


everyone gather around for a show

by Mongo00



Series: holding on (to life) [16]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 05:32:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13804470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mongo00/pseuds/Mongo00
Summary: He hates his life because everyday is on repeat. The hate, the depression, the anxiety, the pain is all on repeat and he can’t do anything to stop it.





	everyone gather around for a show

Tyler wakes up in the morning to the tune of his stupid alarm. Turning it off, and going back to sleep. Shortly after, his mom walks in and shakes him awake. 

He wonders why he’s still alive as he begins his morning routine. 

Tyler looks at himself in the mirror and sees nothing but disappointment. Hopelessness and fear emanating from the figure. 

He opens his closet and picks the first things he sees. Tyler dresses himself and looks in the mirror once again. He’s self conscious about his outfit, but doesn’t have the energy to change it. 

He goes downstairs and eats breakfast before taking his antidepressants that don’t really make him any less depressed. He wonders what would happen to him if he swallowed the whole bottle, but decides against it. Tyler robitcally packing his lunch and saying goodbye to his mom before making his way out the door.

Tyler gets into his car with ice cold seats and blasts the heater. His phone bluetooth connection is successful and last night’s music is blasting through the speakers. It’s too happy, but he’s too tired to change it. 

He leaves his house with enough time to get to school, but always worries about being late. 

Tyler drives to school on muscle memory and parks his car in the same spot. He turns off the engine and enjoys the few moments of quietness before the school day starts. 

He gets out of his car with one minute before the bell, grabs his backpack from the backseat, and locks his car as he walks up the grass hill. 

This is when he forces himself to act normal, to act happy. Tyler puts on a mask that everyone thinks is natural.

He goes to his first class, AP calc, and tries to pay attention. He tries to participate in class conversations and take notes, but neither actually happen. 

He looks around at his classmates and wonders why he’s still alive. He wonders if anyone would miss him if he just ceased to exist one day. 

Giving up, he pulls out his earbuds and shuffles the depressed playlist that he plays too much. 

Tyler can’t manage to tune out school though. He can’t even bring himself to miss a day of school. 

So with one earbud in, he completes all of his AP classwork, as usual, not putting any thought into it. 

The bell rings and he goes to his third period, the class he has everyday. Today is an odd schedule day, the day he has all AP classes. 

Tyler walks into his third period and takes a seat. He loves his desk partner because he’s so stupid, but so nice and funny that it distracts him from his thoughts. 

He genuinely laughs for the first time today, but the happiness fades as fast as it appears. 

Soon enough, he’s having a panic attack over something ridiculous. His breathing and vision falters. Giving his teacher a signal, he leaves the classroom and runs to admin in fears of fainting in the hallway. 

The people in admin recognize him immediately, playing no heed to him as he walks to his chair and sits down. 

Tyler’s chair is next to one of the assistant principal’s assistance desk. The assistant knows him too well and just gives him a smile as he works through his panic attack.

He lays back on the somewhat soft couch-chair, closes his eyes, and focuses on breathing. It doesn’t matter that he feels like he’s dying because he knows after hundreds of times that he’s not. 

His heart pounds and his vision blurs. His sense of balance and awareness is altered. He feels like he’s suffocating. 

Once he is able to slow his heart rate slightly, he opens his eyes and tears involuntarily leak out. He grabs tissues from the box placed next to his chair, just for him, and dabs his eyes dry. 

The assistant looks as him with empathy and begins making small talk with him. After countless times in this chair, the two have an undeniable connection. They’ve figured out that conversation is the best distraction for him once he is able to speak. 

They catch up and the assistant makes him feel better, she always does. After a total of 30 minutes in admin, he gives her a hug and she wishes him a good day as he walks back to class. 

Tyler walks back to class, worried about who he might run into in the hallways and returns to class hoping that no one will ask him where he went for half an hour. 

He tries his best to blend back in as he starts the classwork that everyone else is working on. When the period ends, he checks in with the teacher to make sure he didn’t miss anything. His teacher tells him to feel better and he thanks him before walking to his next class. 

He bobs his head to the music when he walks down the hallway, trying to go unnoticed. He shakes off his post panic attack feelings since he needs to act normal even though his body is still in a state of panic. 

Almost to his next class, Tyler locks eyes with one of his old teachers. Panic bubbles in him as he quickly waves and speed walks away. He has no reason to be scared of that teacher. That teacher is one of his favorite all time teachers, but that doesn’t matter because his body is always in a state of panic. 

Tyler walks into his next class trying to calm his breathing while he picks up the handouts from the door. He walks to his seat, next to all of his friends, and tries to engage in whatever conversation is being held. 

He takes out his earbuds reluctantly just before the bell rings since there is a strict no electronics policy in this class. 

The class begins and he tries to pay attention to the lesson. Tyler eventually brings out the ziploc bag of goldfish that he brought with himself, knowing that eating is the only way to make it through AP bio.

His table mates don’t even glance over at him since goldfish eating was a constant routine for him during 5th period. Eating technically isn’t allowed in this class, but the teacher gave up once she found out about his anxiety and depression. 

The teacher looks at Tyler with pity everyday. She used to be one of his favorite teachers, but she broke their connection when she misinterpreted his suicidal thoughts for being suicidal, making the whole admin staff go into a frenzy. 

After days of overbearing and suffocating “support,” his therapist had to call the school to clear the whole situation up. Since then, he’s tried to be understanding of her point of view, but continues to hold a grudge. 

5th period is the slowest class out of his whole schedule. Class time is wasted by repetitive classwork, and he always dreads this class. During an attempt at learning, he just gets more confused and wonders why he keeps trying. 

After what feels like an eternity, the bell that signals for lunch rings, and the classroom empties out. 

Tyler walks down the hallway and into another classroom where he has to run a club board meeting for half of lunch. He used to love this club, that’s why he ran for president last year. Now he’s stuck in the position, but his love for the club has become nonexistent. 

Board members file in and Tyler begins the monotonous weekly meeting. 15 minutes later, he leaves the classroom and walks over to his friend group. 

They wave to him as he sits down and he forces a smile back at them. Only two people of the group know about his anxiety and depression, so he has to act somewhat normal around them. 

His lunch group resumes their conversation as Tyler pulls out his lunch and begins eating his sandwich. 

His closest friend out of the group, Josh, begins a conversation between the two of them. Josh knows and understands Tyler’s struggle the most, and they check in with each other on their statuses. 

They talk about music for the rest of lunch and say goodbye to each other when they walk opposite directions to their next class. 

Tyler’s last class of the day is APUSH. He hates history, but loves his teacher. Tyler has had this teacher for two years in a row. His teacher has been there for him since the beginning of his mental health journey and has been nothing but supportive. 

Tyler walks into the classroom and makes eye contact with his teacher, like he does every time. They exchange an ‘are you okay’ glance and Tyler nods back. This silent check in means the world to Tyler. 

The teacher begins the lecture and Tyler takes notes with his left hand and plays with his black theraputty in his right hand. 

The class ends and Tyler walks back down to his car. Leaving his friends makes a wave of depression hit him once again. 

He drives out of the crazy school traffic to get back home and on the drive home the thinks about how easy he could drive his car off the road to end his pain. He eventually parks his car next to the sidewalk of his house and unnecessarily worries about the amount of fuel in his car before getting out. 

After unpacking his lunch, Tyler walks upstairs and instantly puts a record in his vinyl player. 

Tyler spends a few hours mindlessly doing his homework. His thoughts during this time alternate from self harm to paranoia. 

Once he finishes his homework, Tyler collapses on his bed in an attempt to quiet the thoughts. Tyler takes his daily nap and wakes up when his mom gets home. 

He’s forced to go downstairs to eat dinner with his family when all he wants to do is curl up in his bed and wallow in self pity. He eats his dinner as fast as possible and bolts back up the stairs. 

He blasts his music and screams along to it in pent up emotions. Tyler doesn’t want to be alive and, honestly, he doesn't know why he’s still alive. He wants to cut, badly. He wants to rip his hair out and punch something. He doesn’t want to be alive.

He writes during this time hoping to quiet the thoughts, but takes a scalding hot bath when the thoughts get louder. His brain wonders for a split second if he could drown himself in the water, but Tyler soon drains the water out of the tub and dresses himself in pajamas. 

He climbs back onto his bed and cries himself to sleep. 

He hates his life because everyday is on repeat. The hate, the depression, the anxiety, the pain is all on repeat and he can’t do anything to stop it.


End file.
